I had a battle within myself about writing on this topic for a while now. It usually only takes me a few hours to type up a blog but with this one in particular…it has taken me days! The reason why it’s so hard for me to talk about this subject is because I honestly don’t know what was the right way to handle the situation I was forced to deal with, but I handled it the best way I could. After all of these years, what worked and what is still working for me each and every day no matter how much time passes by is my unwavering desire to have a real, authentic, intimate relationship with God. I made a decision to stop coasting through life based off of what I was brought up to believe as a kid, but to finally mature emotionally, mentally and spiritually as a woman of God.
So, why is it that we sometimes avoid the one thing that God is nudging us to do? For the past few days I feel like God is shifting the purpose of my life in a different direction that honestly I have been trying desperately to avoid. When I say avoid, I don’t mean not to touch on it at all, but just not go too in depth about it because the topic is so delicate and depressing. For nine years now, the loss of my sister has been my driving force for every single part of my life. But I have always and I mean always kept it on a positive note and with a positive undertone. Anything and everything I say about the loss of my sister, I have kept it positive and uplifting…because that is what keeps me happy and in good spirits. If you picked any piece of my life and asked how my sister ties into it, without skipping a beat I can explain to you how remembering the life of her plays some kind of role in everything I do, have done and still do to this day. But, as confident as I am about saying her name and remembering her life in positive ways, actually talking to someone else about their loss and how to cope with theirs… is by far the scariest thing I can ever think of doing.
Grief doesn’t stop after a funeral…it is an empty feeling in a heart that hovers over you like a dark cloud day in and day out…years and years pass and even when you feel like you are making it through...there is always a piece of the puzzle of your life that will forever be missing. But when the days, weeks, months and years pass by and the phone calls, family visits, and people reaching out to you stops …you still need love and support from somewhere because Life is nothing like it was before. That love and support that I received in my life, I reciprocate it naturally. I guess that’s why I have always felt connected to people I hear have experienced a sudden loss, it could be a person I haven’t talked to since high school or college but no matter the distance I always find myself needing to reach out to let them know…They are NOT alone. The Holy Spirit nudges me to send messages out of the blue saying...
“Just thought about you, continue to take it one second at a time...Jesus is your help”
“I love you and God is still right there by your side”
I want them to know that they are NOT alone, that their loss may have happened months or years ago but it has not been forgotten. Many times I want to keep it short and sweet but sometimes the words just begin to flow unexpectedly about how Jesus is our comforter and God is our strength...
How it’s okay not to be strong, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to cry but always know that NO matter what the emotion is…God is still and always will be right- there-by your side.
How through the fear, weakness, devastation, heartache, pain, tears, loneliness and emptiness Jesus is holding you tight giving you the strength and courage you need to wake up and face the reality of what you are going through but second by second, minute by minute He is continuously pushing you through.
How God hears your private scream for help even when the constant tears flowing from you face is all you can manage to get out.
But, why do I always have an immediate connection to people who are completely broken due to a “sudden” loss? I mean, my heart aches for complete strangers… like I know them personally. There is emphasis on “sudden” because it is something shockingly devastating about losing someone dear to you in the blink of an eye, someone that you were just talking to or that you were just hugging, kissing or laughing with. That kind of sudden loss pierces your SOUL to the deepest of the deepest part. So, why do other people losses affect me so much? What is inside of me that gets this burning desire to help? Is it God trying to tell me something? When I talk to others about their loss there is a sense of compassion and empathy that resonates with me which makes me okay on a small intimate level with reaching out to give words of encouragement, but for me to think that God wants to use me on a larger platform and on a larger scale to reach others is so scary to me. But, is it time for that SHIFT to be made?
As I was writing in my prayer journal, I asked God to make it clear for me. I asked God to take away the FEAR. Take away the fear of being transparent, Take away the fear of not being effective, Take away the fear of rejection and take away the fear of not being qualified to help.
With my book that I want to publish, my blog site and social media…I always tread lightly about the topic of coping with a loss because I never want to be looked at like a dark cloud… a dark cloud who always talks about losing someone and always being sad. I never want my words to be portrayed as gloomy and depressed. There is nothing happy about losing someone so why would I want my lifelong dream, purpose and legacy to be surrounded and dedicated to it. But recently this thing has been heavy on my heart and mind and all I can think the Holy Spirit is saying to me is…“It’s not about YOU...it’s about what God is going to do through you.” My purpose, dream and legacy is to be a small vessel God chooses to use to let all of the broken people I come in contact with to know one name and that is “Jesus.” Yes, Loss is Dark and Sad but Jesus is Light and Joy. Yes, Loss makes you Weak and Angry but Jesus gives you Strength and Peace. Yes, Loss is Hurt and Pain but Jesus is Hope and Life.
From this day forward, I want to stop running away from this thing and embrace it fully because I believe that God wants me to shine a new light among hurting people. Not down the road, but Right Now, right in the middle of the pain when it’s fresh. I believe God wants to use me to be a shining light of glory for Him so those broken people have a sense of hope about life that no drugs, alcohol, partying or another person can fulfill. I believe that God wants to use me to reach a certain group of people that has become lost in covering up the pain that they never receive proper healing of the wounds that only comes from Christ himself.
I honestly don’t know where God wants to take me, or how He wants to use me. But, I know that my pain was not in vain…and all of the years I spent crying myself to sleep begging God to help me was not in vain either. It was for a greater purpose that now I think I am ready to embrace wholeheartedly. A shift has taken place in my life that I believe God wants to use to help change a DARK place into a Light of Believing, Seeking and Trusting Christ Jesus with every single emotion which soon brings Peace that surpasses understanding. Through my transparency, humility and love for people, I will no longer be afraid to speak on this topic because now I know that the light that others will see is not me, but Christ shining through me!
“Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.” Isaiah 6:8