Yesterday I QUIT!
I literally wrote the letters out in my prayer journal front and back “I-Q-U-I-T” and slammed my prayer journal down.
Usually, when I am facing a situation that is too hard for me to deal with, I find myself continuing to push through because I say to myself “God Sees Me Trying!” In life, I try so hard to keep my tone positive and my words uplifting and express how much I love God and love Jesus Christ, but yesterday I told myself that I was done! I was done trying to always be positive, always seeing the brighter side, always believing by Faith, always trusting that "God Got Me" and always praying… I was done with it all!
I was tired of ...trying!
Have you ever just been tired of trying? For years I have tried to keep going and keep pushing, but yesterday I reached my breaking point. Everything that I know of, I TRIED TO QUIT!
I screamed "I Quit! I Quit! I Quit!"... I was quitting writing in my prayer journal, I was quitting this so called business, I screamed I Quit!
I was quitting trying so hard to understand my life and why I am going through so much struggle and hardship. I was quitting trying so hard every single day trying to be a better woman, wife and mother just for all of my efforts to be unappreciated and for me not to feel loved. “I—Q—U—I—T!”
I laid in my dark room with tears falling from my eyes and stared off into the ceiling and said “I’m sorry God, BUT I quit all of this!”
In that mid depressed moment, real life snapped me back to reality and because my motherly duties still are very present and very much needed I forced myself to get up!
As I was about to go change my 8 month old’s diaper I realized that we were out of wipes… so I forced myself to get in the car and drive to Kroger!
On my drive to Kroger, my mind was all over the place! I told myself “Do not Pray, Don’t even start asking for Help!"
I was forcing myself not to pray because normally when I get in the car I naturally use that time to talk to God and say “Jesus Help Me!” But this time, the whole drive I literally forced myself not to open my mouth!
As I walked around Kroger I felt my spirit saying “You Can’t Stop What’s Already Inside of You, Shantia!”
See, while I was walking in Kroger I was trying to stop myself from thinking about praying. But, all my mind could think of to do was “Pray.” As I was trying not to think positive thoughts, my mind constantly was saying just say “I trust You God!”... I was walking through the store and scriptures began popping in my head one after another…
When I tried to QUIT, my spirit said "but remember Shantia, ...we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
When I tried to QUIT, my spirit said "but remember Shantia, let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” (Galatians 6:9)
When I tried to QUIT, my spirit said "but remember Shantia, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
When I tried to Quit, my spirit said "but remember Shantia, The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)
See, when I tried to Quit, The Word wouldn’t let me!
It was like His Words was speaking directly to me and I couldn’t stop it!
It was like every scripture I knew deep down in my heart was activated to go to WAR on my behalf!
When I tried to Quit, my spirit said:
“It’s inside of YOU Shantia! You can’t stop praying because always being in constant intercession is WHO... YOU... ARE! You don’t have a fly by night only run to God when you need help situation-ship with Him…No, you have an every day, every minute, every second.. I LOVE YOU, I TRUST YOU, I BELIEVE IN YOU personal relationship with God and nothing “… neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38:39)"
Nothing, not even my own mind can separate me from God!Nothing has the power to do that! Why? Because my relationship with God is impossible to Turn Off!
See, THIS is what having a personal relationship with God is all about! It’s about having something so grounded and so rooted into your inner being that NOTHING can turn you away from God even if you tried. Like yesterday, I tried and my relationship with God wouldn’t let me!
I believe God needed me to get out of the house and get some fresh air so that He could clear my mind for me and allow my Spirit to take over in a different environment!
See, when I tried to Quit everything that I do on a daily basis literally STOOD up and took control over my mind and spirit and said:
“Devil you might as well stop trying to disconnect her from God because Shantia is Rock Solid! Even on her worst day, she will still say I trust you God!”
That’s what spending quality time with God daily is all about! It is feeding your spirit so that when you get to a point that you can’t go any further. The spirit of God which is inside of you takes the wheel for you! That's what happened to ME!
See my relationship with God is not something I just say I have, my relationship with God is what I need for times like this when I feel like I just can’t take this thing called life anymore! My relationship with God is what I need for times like this when I feel like it should have been me instead of my sister. My relationship with God is what I need for times like this when I feel like I am the cause of why everything is so hard for us and I feel like I’m the blame for our struggles. My relationship with God is what I need for times like this when I don’t feel loved, valued or appreciated. My relationship with God is what I need for times like this when I feel like I just need a sincere hug and to genuinely hear the words “I love you.” My relationship with God is what I need for times like this when I feel like I am all alone every single day!
As I walked out of Kroger I knew that I had to say “Jesus Help Me!” and when I arrived back home I opened up my prayer journal and right after the page where I wrote the big fat sloppy letter T from the word (Quit). I wrote and said “I SURRENDER!”
I surrender God!
I surrender my mind and heart for trying to understand your plan. I surrender trying to understand what you want me to do and how you want me to do it. I surrender my will of trying to force a business to happen just so that I can feel validated and worth something! I surrender my marriage! I surrender my home! I surrender my finances! I surrender it ALL!
Forgive me God, I Surrender!
This morning as I woke up to write this blog, I looked over at my desk that was completely empty with just a monitor and printer because when I tried to quit I went over to my make shift office and packed up everything that was there to keep me motivated and driven and I now sit at this bare desk in full surrender mode. Surrendering my way for His will!
Everything I know and need is deeply rooted inside of Me, which is the Word of God.
What I now know, is that Quitting is not an option for me because the anointing on my life has a breaking power that trumps anything that tries to attach itself to my mind and spirit!
I have purpose inside of me. I have the Word of God inside of me and most importantly I have Jesus Christ living In me!
Gods’ word says “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)… So now without a shadow of doubt, I know because of God even if I tried….
I -AM- TOO- STRONG- TO- QUIT!
Why? Because of His Word Inside of Me!